We all know that losing weight is easier when you have a supportive spouse, but how do you go about getting weight loss support from your husband? Tune in as I chat with marriage and family therapist Rebecca Hustad, who gives amazing, effective insights into communicating with your spouse about your wellness journey. I learned so much from this episode! You don’t want to miss it!
Disclaimer: This podcast does not constitute medical advice or mental health advice. You should always speak to your doctor before changing your nutrition or exercise habits.
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Getting WEight Loss Support From Your Husband – EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
Lauren Chante 0:50
Hello, hello, everybody. Welcome back to rock your wellness with Lauren chante. Hey, I am as always pumped about this episode, because I know that this one is really going to be something that is going to serve a lot of women, I cannot tell you guys, how many times I talk to potential clients, current clients, women in my DMs who tell me that one of the biggest challenges on their wellness journey is feeling like maybe their spouse doesn’t support them, or they don’t have the backing and the assistance that they need from their partner to do what they need to do for their wellness journey. And you know, I’ve been married now for almost 11 years. So I get it like I get the whole marriage thing, I get all of the things that are going on in our lives that can make it challenging sometimes to communicate with our spouse. And I also know that I’m really not an expert after being married for that long. So what I’ve done today is I’m bringing on an incredible licensed marriage and family therapist to talk to us about exactly how we can get the most out of our relationship with our spouse in terms of getting the support that we need for our wellness goals. So her name is Rebecca, he’s dead, she happens to also be like my bestie. We’ve known each other. We’ve known each other I actually can’t remember if I’ve known my husband longer if I’ve known her longer, like that’s literally the point I’m at I can’t remember who I met first. And she’s amazing. She is not somebody who’s all over the internet. But she’s somebody that I go to when I’m really going through somebody something. And because of that I wanted to bring her on the show, because she’s amazing. She is licensed in Minnesota and Wisconsin. She specializes in trauma and EMDR. If you don’t know what that is, look it up. It’s amazing. She’s the owner of Beacon mental health resources in Menominee, Wisconsin, and outside of the office, she and her husband enjoy spending time with their four kids and their German shepherd he may hear on this episode somewhere. So welcome, Rebecca to the show.
Rebecca Hustad 2:44
Thank you. Thanks, Lauren. I’m so excited to be here.
Lauren Chante 2:47
Yeah, this is so good. And it’s also kind of cool, because you’ve always shared your wellness journey with me throughout the years. And I’ve kind of always gone to you for marriage stuff. So we have this really cool like reciprocal understanding. And I just trust you so much to really help people today on this call. So when I really what I really wanted to start with is just kind of, oh, you know what I needed to do? First guys, I need to give a disclaimer, because this is super important. By the way, this does not constitute therapy or a therapists relationship. Just because Rebecca is a therapist, please consult your own medical team and mental health team. Okay, good. Glad I got the Yes.
Unknown Speaker 3:27
Thank you. I appreciate that. I was gonna say that too. These are very general blanket things. And if it doesn’t apply, it is not meant to replace individual psychotherapy. So
Lauren Chante 3:37
yeah, everybody, everybody should have their own therapist, and everybody should have their own marriage therapist, in my opinion. Even marriage therapists Yes, yes, yes. And so when we were talking in preparation for this call, the first thing that I really loved about you is you really made space and acknowledge the role that the spouse has in supporting someone in wellness. And I would love for you to just kind of start there and speak your wisdom into that topic.
Unknown Speaker 4:04
Yeah, absolutely. And so what we were just chatting about ahead of time is that anytime, if I’m going to do something individually is absolutely going to impact everybody else in my orbit is going to impact my spouse, my children, even my dog, because it means he’s going to get fed on a different time. And he will let me know that he doesn’t like that. But it’s back to that butterfly effect, which we’re all very aware of. And when we are making, a lot of times, especially as we get further into marriage, we tend to be a little more individualized, we each have our roles, and we start rocking out those roles, right? Like you do your thing, he does his thing. And those roles are complementary to making our family system work, which is fantastic. But if I’m going to change one thing, it is naturally going to flow into changing his things. Even something as simple as if I decide to get up a half hour early to go for a walk in the morning. Then that’s going to create change with the one day that the kid wakes up early, but he’s mentally not prepared for me Get it out of the house. So he’s not listening for the kids now. And then maybe that just creates chaos. And our morning is off to a rough start. And so, you know, just those simple things. But yeah, recognizing that whatever I’m going to do is going to create change for him. And that there is the theory of change and model, which we do forget about that too. And so as I go through my pre contemplative stage, right, so maybe I’m sitting here saying to myself, you know, my pants are going a little snug. If I just buckle down and focus for a bit, I can feel more comfortable or you know what, now that I’m like, close to 40, I’m feeling stiffer, I think I need to incorporate more healthy eating, that’s better for muscle recovery, or joint recovery, I may need to be doing different exercises that would benefit my stage of life that I’m in right now. So I’m in that pre contemplative stages, I’m starting to think about it because I’m aware of it, I’m knowing it, he has no clue. In his mind. Everything is the same, right. And then I start heading more into that contemplative stage and doing a research, I’m looking at my options. He’s still over here. Life is great. I love what we have going on you to do to do. And then I start moving into that determination phase phase. You know what I’m going to do it, here’s what I’m gonna buckle down on. And then I start taking action. I reached out, I’m messaging a coach, I’m starting to meal prep. And by the way, honey, I need you start doing kid pickup three days a week, because I’m going to be doing this and he’s sitting here going, I’m sorry, what? No.
Lauren Chante 6:18
Yes, I love that you said this. Because I hear this a lot from my students, especially to people who’ve committed to working with me with coaching. It’s like for their spouses. It’s like it comes out of left field, especially when they’re talking about like investing and working with someone, because they literally think things have been fine. And then all of a sudden, you come downstairs and you’re like, I need to join a gym. I need to hire a coach. And they’re like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, like, like this bomb gets dropped, we forget that they’re not even on the journey that we have in our heads. And it’s funny, because a lot of times when I talk to ladies on my call, they’re like, well, I need to ask my husband at ABA, like Hola, it’s like, I just want to preface this by the fact that your husband is going to say no, because you have literally spent months having this internal journey to get up to this point. And it’s not his journey. So
Unknown Speaker 7:09
correct. And we also forget to and I’m gonna just super generalize here, I’m going to super generalize break things down very simplistically to a typical biological, male and typical biological female. And so that’s kind of relationship that you find yourself in typically, even though my husband scores very high on the agreeableness spectrum, so he’s not typical, to your average male in that regard. He is so likely to say no, right out of the gate. And so when you’re approaching so if I’m a female, and if a dad is coming in, they’re bringing their kid in? Chances are, chances are, he’s going to approach it with changed my mind, right? I’m coming into this with a no, and you’re gonna have to change my mind. So I have another uphill battle. And we forget that and then we view it like, Oh, he’s been such a jerk. He doesn’t care about my health goals. Now I’m making assumptions. And I’m just like, when really he’s just sitting here saying, life is great. Why are we changing it? I love your curves. If I wanted to turn your old view the 20th. I want a 40 year old, I’m with you like, right. Like, in his mind, this is what he’s thinking. And so we’re jumping to conclusions, and it’s just this whole big mess. But if I go into it, recognizing you know what, he’s probably gonna say no. And because he’s happy with how things are, we hate change. We don’t like getting in the shower. We don’t like getting out of the shower. And now we’re asking for this big change, and he doesn’t understand the importance of it. And so then that also lends into the second topic, which we’ve talked about is, you really need to know your why. And Lauren, you do a great job of talking about goals. I love what we read very similar, but like atomic habits.
Lauren Chante 8:39
Bruckner’s I think I nailed a lot when I’m dying.
Unknown Speaker 8:42
I love it. I was just talking to my team about the book spark actually, we were talking about kids and education and mental health. And I’m like, you’ll have to read this book. Um, but yes, so we talk a lot about the importance of being very specific with your goals. And you have to know your why. And it has to be a meaningful why. And so sometimes, I can go into something and say, You know what, I want this aesthetic change. But the reality is, we’re going to get tired of an aesthetic change. It’s not really a lasting, meaningful one. But if I want this aesthetic change, because it’s going to make me feel more confident. And I know that that’s the barrier to me having a great sex life. It’s my confidence in my body, then my why isn’t about me looking better. It’s about me feeling more confident in my body and feeling its usefulness its power, and it’s progress. And then I know that that’s going to feed into getting back to a great sexual relationship with I can talk about sex on your show. I’m always talking about sex on my show, wonderful. My marriage therapist comes up almost every session, no matter how old somebody is. So it’s a big topic. And so sometimes, if I need to know my big why, right, or like I was saying earlier, as I am looking at that fun for Oh, in a few months here, just knowing that my body is changing, and so what my body needs is different And then how I treated it 20 years ago, for instance. And so if I want to still be a mom who can chase after her kids play catch with her kids, that means that maybe I need to shake up my supplements, my exercise routine, my sleep routine. I just need to be more in tune with that. So knowing what that burning hotwire is.
Lauren Chante 10:18
Yeah, I love that. That’s so so good. And I think just something else that you said that I was like, I totally don’t do this is you said to highlight what’s in it for your partner? Who your spouse? Yeah, talk about that. And I’ll be taking notes over here.
Unknown Speaker 10:36
I love it. Right. So you know, as we’re looking at this theoretical change model, both for ourselves and our partners. And as I’m walking through it, and determining what my Y is, that’s what that’s what gets me into that even the pre contemplative stage. But that determination stage, it really kicks in when I understand what my burning huntleigh is. And that’s what catapult me into that action. So then, as I’m gonna bring my partner into the loop on this, and I’m gonna create space for them to be in this pre contemplative stage, knowing that they don’t see those needs at all, first of all, so they’re gonna have to find their own why of whatever they get out of it. No, sometimes they do, you know, going back to the whole, like, hey, if I feel more confident, remember, when our sex life was great five years ago? Well, the barrier is because I feel like garbage. But if I feel better, that’s the only barrier that will be like, sweet, let me support you. Usually, we get a very positive supportive response from that. Um, but if the, you know, maybe it, what it boils down to is I have to trust that my spouse does have good character, they just need some time to really think about this. Because if they want to be a loving, supportive husband, they might come at it and say, you know, what? I don’t understand. I think you look great, I see that you’re physically keeping up with stuff, I don’t see the same concern you see, but you know what, if you see it that way, I want to support you. And so what we’re waiting for is for them to get to that point of what their Why is. So they’re out there, why is being a supportive spouse. And that’s their why that they’re going to go back to of being dutiful in that moment.
Lauren Chante 12:02
That’s so good. And just to recap, for anybody who maybe is a little confused by like the jargon of readiness to change. So basically, I talk about readiness to change a lot with my students, because it is one of the most powerful things that you can understand on your wellness journey. And basically, it’s this idea that we all don’t just wake up ready to do the thing, we have to go through the process, we and there’s actual stages that all human beings go through that we’ve learned through scientific research. So basically, what Rebecca is saying is just because you have worked through all your stages on the readiness to change continuum, you cannot expect your partner to just flip on a dime and change, you have to understand that they have the same human psychology and they have to go through their same stages to get to the point where they’re ready to change, your change is wellness based, but their change is supporting their partner and wellness and stepping into that new role. Did I recap that? Well, Rebecca, you did.
Unknown Speaker 12:57
You did? Absolutely. Yeah. So yes, as people do familiarize themselves with that model, what it looks like, within themselves, and then with their partners, and they’re prepared to do the extra step of, and it’s a lot, it’s a lot to motivate ourselves that we have to rally our kids to get out the door every morning. Raise your hand if you know how much work that is.
Lauren Chante 13:19
Facing my hands. Yep.
Unknown Speaker 13:21
And same thing with our partners. So if you’re going to be successful and communicating with your partner, you have to understand where you’re at and where they’re at understanding are wise, and understanding their wise and creating space for them to get to that why also, and now please remember, we’re not even talking about communication skills yet. Right? So these are just those foundational steps at this moment. But then I see like, because even if you do get your partner to that point, and they say, Yep, I get it, I see it, this is great. I want to support you in it. We also have to be very intentional about the way that we time things. And people will come in and just help my partner so they’re so difficult. Well, I’m sure they are but difficult doesn’t mean impossible. You look at professional negotiators, who are negotiating with very mentally ill people very dangerous people, right and they can still convince them to concede uncertain points. And so it goes back to Psychology here and all conversation is manipulative. It is in its truest form, because I am here to manipulate you into believing the words
Lauren Chante 14:29
I love that I love the outright saying this. Because I feel like I feel like women sometimes and I am like I’m I should say I sometimes I’m saying women but I’m really talking about myself right now. Like we want to just tell something to our spouses and just happen say yes, and just have it be easy and if they don’t do it, we’re like, Well, what a jerk I’m married. What a dud the like what what was I? Right? So frustrated with him but the you’re you’re calling out human nature here. and human nature. This is exactly I think what people need to hear. So keep going with it.
Unknown Speaker 15:05
Yeah, so one of the big things with communication skills and I’m just I’m kind of jumping to this point off the outline, skipping around because it popped something in my head from last night were totally cool. And I will say, you know, I was very, very blessed that I know that I married an easy partner like he overall makes life really stinking easy. He’s so mellow. He’s so even keel, like his personality type is just boom and his upbringing. Like, I get that.
Lauren Chante 15:30
So it’s so good and booboos.
Unknown Speaker 15:34
And I’m not not at all nope, that’s for him gonna punt over there. And so he is super easy, and just he’s charming and wonderful and helpful, but we are normal and we have our kerfuffles and we have our miscommunications and our missteps. And so even last night, so I have two leaky valves and a hole in my heart. I was a preemie baby. And now that I’m again looking at that photo, right, I’m like, well, I should probably get this rechecked, see where things are at because my relatives all have heart surgery in their 40s to 50s. And one uncle even died in his 30s from a heart attack. And so like, I should just get this checked out. Again, it’s been over a decade. And, and then for whatever reason, and I was feeling happy and calm, but like, I started having heart palpitations, but it lasted longer than normal, and I actually had shortness of breath. So now my anxiety is spiking. It’s also 1030 at night. And that’s one of the main rules. You don’t talk about important things at night, in bedrooms, or kitchens. So I’m in my bedroom, it’s late at night. And now here, I’m having this little wave of panic. And he comes upstairs and he’s like, Well, are you okay? I’m like, No. And I tell him what’s, what’s going on? And he’s like, Oh, but you’re fine. You’re talking now. So you’re fine. Everything’s good. Oh, you can all imagine what happened next. He just told me I’m fine. It wasn’t fine. And so you know, I had like little Spats. But then we both were able to reground. And remember, it’s late at night, we’re stressed or tired? Let’s just be he’s right. I am okay for the night. But in the morning, I’m like, Honey, I know that. But I need to address this topic with you. We need to find a provider, I need to get this rig done. And we haven’t done that since we moved back to Wisconsin. And so he was like, Okay, well, let’s do lunch tomorrow. And we can talk about them. And so scheduling a port and conversations is one of those communication skills. So we have to know our timing, right, that we shouldn’t have it late at night in bedrooms and kitchens. Because when we do it’s like what happened last night, we had a collision, because we’re both tired and stressed. But then you can schedule it, schedule these important conversations and make it clear what you want to get out of it. I’m not looking for someone to tell me Oh, yes, your health is dire. You’re gonna die tomorrow. No, I know that my health isn’t dire. I’m not gonna die tomorrow. But hey, I have access to health care, I have the ability to schedule it, I want to do it, I want to control the things I can control, right. And that’s all I’m saying. And so being able to be clear about what we’re saying, and we’re asking, and then scheduling those important conversations, and we have found for us that going out to lunch at a restaurant is the best time for us to have that. And for every couple, it can look different. Now, a lot of times when it comes to timing conversations, some people will say, well, it’s not feasible, we don’t have access to that, because that requires childcare or money, we don’t have our work schedule, right, there’s a lot of barriers that just aren’t, it’s not feasible. So then we have to have these conversations at home. So then we have to get creative with scheduling it and shaking up the location. Maybe it’s going for walks around the house in the morning. Or maybe it’s doing it right after supper. So we’re still not into that evening. And we’re also not in those hot stress areas, such as the kitchen, where work gets done. So maybe we’re just gonna walk around the house as we talk about it. If we can’t do something like that I live where it’s winter half of the year. Then we try to shake it up to buy, I put on a Halloween costume. And we’re going to talk about this in the bathtub. There’s no wire running
Lauren Chante 18:59
labs, this tip. I love
Unknown Speaker 19:01
fun. And so if I can find a creative way, or if I’m giving really short with my kids, I’ll speak in a fun accent. And I’ll take on a different persona, and then I’ll say to them, right and we get really creative and we get really fun with things. And so knowing the same thing in your marriage, like find a way to shake it out, because in that moment, what are we focused on? We’re focused on having this conversation. And we don’t want our natural neural nets to jump us back into some terse conversations that maybe we’ve had in the past.
Lauren Chante 19:28
Totally. We think sometimes I’ll be like, when’s a good time to take out the trash?
Unknown Speaker 19:35
Yes. Oh, here’s my ginormous dog.
Lauren Chante 19:40
So bad. Yeah, these are so so so good. Hold up. Okay, we’re gonna take a quick break, but I promise the podcast is coming right back and it’s not done yet. So don’t go anywhere. But if this episode is resonating with you, I want you to sign up for I break to poverty. My breakthrough calls are a free opportunity for you to get a super quick, easy win for your first step on your wellness journey. So you can head to the show notes and click the link there to schedule a time to chat with me. I know you also said it’s really important to be very specific about your needs. And I think that something that I see as a coach is that sometimes the struggle is that people just don’t know what they need, especially if you’re not working with somebody who’s mentoring you on a path to wellness, that makes things really clear. It can be like, if you don’t even know what you need, how are you supposed to tell your partner? So that’s kind of as my part of this podcast advice, the first step is you need to be working with one some sort of a wellness plan that has clarity. And then where do you want to take that more in terms of being specific about your needs? What else do people need to know? Yeah, absolutely.
Unknown Speaker 20:57
And sometimes we confuse that with, I’m gonna come into it telling you what I need from you in terms of I need you to pick the kids up from school three days a week, so I can hit the gym? Oh, I wouldn’t receive that. Well, if he came at me and said that to me. So why do I expect him to receive that? Well, if I come at him with that, right? So instead, it’s, I’m scheduling, I’m going to time this conversation, and I’m going to schedule it. And so I’m going to say, Hey, babe, which we already we actually have this setup in our marriage. And I highly recommend that for all couples, that when it comes to Crucial Conversations, important conversations that you have your workflow down for, how do you discuss important things, because we don’t want them to become critical things, we want them to sustain that important category. Because once we get into the critical category, less, we start getting into crisis mode. And that’s a lot more difficult to recover from. But if it’s just hey, I need to have an important conversation with you. It’s like, cool. I don’t know, I know what we do. We go toward the local law gym, and we go to lunch. And so we put it in our calendar, also, knowing that it’s going to take two to four conversations, for that seed to really start to grow in their mind. And so giving that
Lauren Chante 22:04
time, this is huge. I feel like we need to stay at again, for the people in that two to four conversations to get to what you want. Like, I am not like guys, I will be the first to confess, I am not like that. I’m like, if it doesn’t go well, for me, after one conversation. I am like, I’m like I’m done.
Unknown Speaker 22:21
You know, and I think that’s most of us, right? But if we if I flip the script, and if he’s coming at me saying that he wants to drop a ton of money on a new computer, oh, it’s gonna take more than one conversation for me to be like, Sure, babe, let’s redo our budget and just drop five grand on a computer. Which I don’t know if I would ever do that. But you know what I’m saying? Whatever the big ask is, it’s gonna take a few times for me to come around to it also. So I need to be aware of that. And then give that same courtesy to my spouse and I need to be aware of their personality type be aware of where they are on that agreeableness factor. But other than getting back to your question on how do we be specific, I’m not specific about what I’m asking for them, I’m specific about the outcome that I’m looking for. So I am looking for a way that us in our family schedule that we can shake things up. So I can carve out three hours of gym time in a week, and three hours of meal prep on the weekend. And so that as we collaboratively look at our schedule, and I listened to him gripe and groan, and well, I mean, that’s a lot, but six hours of time, while you’re asking to allocate is a lot. And I feel overwhelmed by it, too. Which is why I’m so desperate for you to hurry up and help me out here before I lose my motivation. But being able to hold that space and realize that you know what, we’re actually going through the same process together, right, because it’s hard for me to get motivated to do it. And it’s hard for him. So let’s just rework through this together. Because it’ll reaffirm for me our why. And guess what, it’s also going to strengthen our marriage as we work through this together. So that as he works through it, he’ll probably naturally come to the same conclusion because most the people you marry do American for a reason. They probably have a lot of really good strengths. And so let’s give them a chance to use those strengths. And for him to come to that conclusion of well, you know what, I guess these couple days a week, I could probably make sure I don’t have meetings, I could pick the kids up, but then I’m gonna be pretty burned out combat evening. And so if there’s something else you could do, you know, like, yeah, no problem. What if I do trash? I’ll take out the trash or what if I do weed whipping because then I get more steps into it helps with my goals, right? So I’ll take the weed whipping from you. And I’ll do that chore and like okay, yeah, that sounds good. And as we collaboratively work through this, like I said, it gets me to my goal and it strengthens it and maybe it’s a better outcome than I even was looking for to begin with.
Lauren Chante 24:37
That’s so good. I got distracted by the fact that you hold it we whipping though I call it weed whacking is that like a thing? Oh sure.
Unknown Speaker 24:46
It very well. Maybe
Lauren Chante 24:47
people whip some people laugh that’s hilarious.
Unknown Speaker 24:50
I’m trying really hard to disguise my accent so
Lauren Chante 24:53
your accent I let it hang loose. Love it.
Unknown Speaker 24:56
Oh yeah. Hey there, don’t you know
Lauren Chante 25:00
Okay, that is so, so good, especially like being specific about what you’re trying to accomplish. Like I need six hours in the week not like micromanaging the details of it, and how it can bring your marriage closer together. I just really, really love that part. You also said to be really realistic when you’re negotiating, talk to us about what that means a little bit in terms of negotiating with your spouse, if you’re asking him to do something, what do you need to do?
Unknown Speaker 25:29
Yeah, and, um, I think it goes back to and then let me know, if you were thinking of something different. Otherwise, I think it goes back to those concepts of just creating that space for your spouse, give them the benefit of the doubt. Don’t be specific in what the barriers are, what outcomes you want, not, not what you’re asking of them. In that negotiation, and to stay curious, like to stay truly curious. So sometimes. And I want to, I want to make this very clear. There are really good people out there who are disagreeable. And usually in culture, we’re like, oh, that person is such a jerk. No, they’re just really high on the disagreeable scale.
Lauren Chante 26:12
And I live in New York. So I relate to this a lot. The New Yorker personality, there’s a lot of really good people here. But the definitely the disagree. This is like you’re occupying my life so much right now.
Unknown Speaker 26:23
Yes, they are just like I live in the Midwest with a Midwestern nice, but just because everyone presents nice and agreeable does not mean that you want them in your inner circle, it does not mean that they can do what needs to get done. It doesn’t mean that they have the character, the grit, that they have all those other aspects. And so if I am partnered with someone who is highly disagreeable, and maybe they naturally have more of a grumpy effect, maybe they are naturally, someone, so I go into it builds up with, right, this is, this is going to be exhausting. But it’s not I need to go into it with you know what I know this about my partner. And this is why my partner makes an excellent District Attorney, because this person is difficult to shake, they aren’t like, and I love these strengths about them. And then when I go into it with that negotiation aspect, I want to remember the times that I’ve had success. I want to remember the times in the past that I’ve brought to my spouse important topics. And we’ve been able to successfully work through them to collaboratively problem solve. No, the outcome wasn’t always identical to what I wanted. But I we both walked away feeling satisfied with it. And I want to recreate some of those steps too, that set us up for success by knowing the inner workings of my partner. And knowing what that hey, if my partner does want to be a good husband, and he does want to support me my goals, how can I set him up for success to receive what I’m about to say?
Lauren Chante 27:43
Oh, that’s so good. And as we were talking, I kind of have had an epiphany about something that you said earlier, you were talking about being careful about allowing things to get into the critical category compared to being like and like it’s still in the manageable category compared to critical and something that I’m recognizing happens a lot on the wellness side is oftentimes women are waiting until their wellness is critical. Until they’re they’re feeling so far gone. Their energy is so bad, they feel so horrible in their skin that I tell people when I do breakthrough calls, which are these free calls that I give away to people, I can’t remember the last time someone didn’t cry on the call like like tears, it’s it’s almost become this like this like joke that I have in people’s like my calls, make people cry. That’s really, it’s really not what it is. It’s that we’re allowing ourselves to wait so long to take care of ourselves that for us. It feels critical. So we’re going into this conversation with our spouses feeling like if I don’t get what I need to take care of myself right now, I am going to screen. And so part of the responsibility there, I want to point this out and like the most loving way possible, but part of the responsibility rests on you. And the fact that you waited so long to take care of yourself that now you’re in such a critical state of mind that it feels challenging to be patient with your partner and to give them the space that they deserve to process these life changes that are talking about.
Unknown Speaker 29:13
Absolutely that yes, yes to all of that.
Lauren Chante 29:17
Yeah. This is why I love podcasting. I just learned something. It’s amazing. Like popped into my head. So good. I love also what you said about reflecting on past successful conversations. This is something I do a lot with students on the wellness side, like reflect on a time that you change something in your life that you’ve been successful and like think about all the common things and like lift yourself up and celebrate the fact that you were able to do that. So you feel confident moving into this, but I’ve never really heard someone say to do that for a marriages. And I think that is so important that we’re like protecting and nurturing or our mental idea of what our marriage is right and like what we believe about it and the story we have better marriage. So that’s so beautiful. Are there any final thoughts? Do you want to share with people about, about this topic that could be helpful?
Unknown Speaker 30:05
Yes, as you were just sharing some of your reflections too, I had a thought there’s an exercise I like to do with people I learned at a business conference once. And a lot of times with my patients will say to me, this is this is very business theory, or that book was business theory. Well, a successful business is, I guess, a successful family. And a lot of those concepts can be interchanged between the two. And so, yes, this is a business concept. But I have found it’s been a life changing for so many people who come in, and they’ll come in, you know, with a complaint about a partner, and how do I communicate better? And what it boils down to is, back to that, why keeping the end in mind, what is the legacy that you want to leave. And so for us as a marriage, and we think of a marriage, as a third thing as something outside of us, I’ll use the metaphor of a garden that we’re both going to attend to, that we both work on. And so And same thing with a family, it’s more of an external thing that we all contribute to, we’re all a part of which way we have mascots that represent, you know, schools and other things like that. So we have this external thing that represents what our marriage is, and what is our legacy. So we have chosen a legacy of, to live a life that is honoring to God. Yes, that is vague. But it’s, it’s supposed to be vague, because it’s all encompassing other things that are important to us. But then we have our values, and there are dozens of values. But at different stages of life, we focus on about five values at a time. So for instance, when we had been to have our third child, and under three years, and we were having a spontaneous mood and all of these changes, we decided that we weren’t going to rigidly focus on health and, or I’m sorry, fitness and finances. And so we did things that historically we hadn’t done and that we don’t want to do again. But we were more in that survival mode. And we still did it within reason. But we did use credit cards moderately right when we had to, because it was, hey, if our sanity became our sanity, and our relationships were our main focus. So if I need to put pizza delivery on a credit card, so I don’t go insane and ruin my marriage and end up divorced or so I don’t go insane and scar my kids. So be it. And thankfully, we were able to recover from both of those things. Right. But it did mean that that yeah, things got soft financially and physically, but we were intentional about that. And so it was okay. And so then as you look at where are we at in this stage of life? What do we need to do? What do we want to focus on? Just the other night, my husband, I were talking about this too, with, with health and fitness and movement. And so as we’re brainstorming it, he throws the suggestion of oh, maybe we should have our kids doing sports. I’m against that at their young age. That’s me personally, I want them to be sleeping, I want them to be reading, I want them to be playing more structured, rigid activity is where all the stress is put on them. That’s not really what I think is beneficial for our very young school aged children. And so, you know, and he was like, Okay, I see that and I get that, but it and we’re having this negotiation, this conversation, right, because this is a goal that we both want to have for a family. And I was saying to him, well, there is a new gym opening up a childcare finally, in the county, we’re about to have one.
Lauren Chante 33:26
But we’re in a very rural area, if you guys are wondering why she’s so excited, like like she guys, she doesn’t have target. And I feel like that alone is like, a lot of you guys are crying for her right now.
Unknown Speaker 33:39
It is very, very true.
Unknown Speaker 33:42
It is we are in a very rural area. I call it a drop zone of resources. And so we’re about to get a gym with childcare, I guess which I’m super excited for mostly because when we lived in the Twin Cities in Minnesota, I love being able to go to the YMCA. As a family. I could bring the kids with me. No, they weren’t exercising, but they were getting in the habit. And I was telling my husband like, if I’m because people around here also do this. take their kids to bars. I said, but if I’m someone who’s I frequent the bars, and I bring my kids with me, are they drinking alcohol? No, but they’re what they’re seeing they will repeat once they’re able to. And so as a family, if we can just structure more movement in our family activities, right going for hikes going on walks, family bike rides, and then if they see as a model it they will eventually start to replicate that more also. And so that was kind of where we landed in that conversation, but having our values knowing what is the overarching legacy, and what values do we want to focus on right now. And so even as people if they just approach that conversation with their partner, and then talk about, you know what, here’s what I think we should focus on, maybe we’re doing pretty good financially, maybe the parenting is clicking or we’re doing pretty well. So hey, I think it is time for us to do some more preventative health work. I think it’s time for us it is and then you start having those conversations back and forth. And you talk about well how can we make this more of a focus? What small changes can we Do Lauren, you can tell me if I’m right or wrong. But long time ago, I remember hearing a one of my college coaches say that if you’re looking to make fitness goals, just change three things. And it can be something as simple as, drink a gallon of water a day have a vegetable present at every meal, and get to sleep an hour earlier. But if you change three things that you know physically benefit your physical health, you’re going to see exponential growth towards your physical goals. And so going back to if this is our legacy, here’s the values we’re focused on. Now, what are some simple things that we can do in our lifestyle to change it, it’s going to move us so much closer to those goals.
Lauren Chante 35:40
Yeah, I love that. And I really love the mission statement and the values, that’s actually something that we’ve done in our relationship to really define what is our why as a family, and it makes it so much easier to make big decisions. And it also makes it so much easier to bring conversation back when the conversation is starting to escape or when maybe your partner’s objections to something that you want to do or just feeling irrelevant. If you’ve already laid that groundwork for what your family is about, and what your values and your mission or like, it’s so much easier to have those conversations. So that is a great point. Thank you so much. This has been so meaningful. I always usually leave, leave people and ask like, Where can people find you online? But I know you’re really like mostly your private practice person. So you’re probably not like hanging out much online. So I don’t know, is there any place people can find you? Are they just gonna have no, it was great.
Unknown Speaker 36:39
I know, right? I know what I mean, because we just do individual therapy. And we have a substantial waiting list. I mean, it became mental health resources is our website. But at this time, other than individual services, and we can only provide services for people whose bodies are physically within the states in which we are licensed. So that would be people within this concert. So if there are listeners and 10 County, which is the county that we’re in, they are welcome to we’re actually gonna be a local farmers market today. I call it community engagement. I just feel bad about marketing when we have a waitlist, but just promoting the field of mental health, being able to answer some questions. So yeah, if anything else, I mean, they’re welcome to reach out. I’m happy to help answer questions. There are people in their states, from some online parent groups I’m in, if they’re looking for a counter, they’re looking for a therapist. I’m happy to try to help people find out like, hey, if I was in your shoes, here’s what I would be looking for in terms of credentials, because it’s really difficult to find this overwhelming. You’re like, what are all the letters behind their names? What kind of therapy would I want? And then knowing like, like, yeah, EMDR is phenomenal. But I think maybe from what I’m hearing for you, I would look into a DBT therapist first. So if they want, they can hit us up at BK mental health resources that calm, feel free to shoot questions, I will try to feel them and that gives support in any way that I
Lauren Chante 37:51
can. Awesome. Thank you so much, Rebecca. I know thank you. Hey, friends, did you guys know that I speak at events both virtually and in person. I love getting on stage and talking about all topics related to wellness. So if you’re running an event or know someone who is please consider dropping my name in the hat to speak at your event. You can reach out to me at Lauren at Lauren chante.com For more scheduling details.