Have you ever felt like losing weight would make your sex life hotter? A lot of women feel that way, but it’s *so* important to be aiming for your best life no matter your body size. In this episode, Sex+ Relationship Coach Amanda Testa will share her insight into creating incredible intimacy while you’re on a journey to loving your body.
Disclaimer: This podcast does not constitute medical advice. You should always speak to your doctor before changing your nutrition or exercise habits.
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feel better about your body during sex – EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
Lauren Chante 0:03
Are you a go getting woman who strives to feel good in her body, but something just seems to be missing from your wellness journey? Have you been searching, learning and trying that you’re having a hard time getting started? Or maybe you just don’t seem to be getting the results you’re looking for? I have been in your shoes and I want you to know it’s not you. Join me, Lauren Shante as we dive into understanding wellness in a new way, so you can free yourself from wellness overwhelmed and toxic mindsets, put new tools in your toolbox and redefine wellness for you and your family. So you can free up your time and mental energy to the things that really matter. Permanently. Welcome to the wrap your wellness podcast.
Lauren Chante 0:53
Hello, hello. Welcome back to the podcast. You guys. I am so excited about this episode today. You know that I’m kind of a low guest show. I usually only bring people on when there’s something that I really want you guys to hear that I’m just not the expert on and today I have the most wonderful expert to help us out. Her name is Amanda Testa. She is a sex love and relationship expert and a trauma resolution guide who works with busy professional women and couples to feel incredible in their skin, tap into abundant energy, take sex from A “to do” to something they look forward to and enjoy better connection and fulfillment in their relationships. She’s also a wife, a mama to a feisty nine year old that is a feisty age. And the host of the Find your feminine fire podcast, her and methods bridge ancient tools combined with the latest in neuroscience love that and somatic healing to facilitate rapid and lasting transformation. So welcome to the podcast, Amanda.
Amanda Testa 1:53
Yes, thank you so much, Lauren, for having me. It is a treat to be here with you.
Lauren Chante 1:57
Yes, it is a treat. And I’m gonna share with you and with our listeners, kind of the inspiration behind inviting you on the podcast, because one of the things that I really believe and I really work with my students on when they come to me is a lot of times people set wellness goals, obviously, I’m a wellness podcast, because they have this dream life that they want to live. And they feel like until they’re well until they lose weight that dream life is unattainable. And something that I really try to get people out of the habit of is living that way. If you have a dream life, let’s start living it. Now we don’t need to lose weight, we don’t need to look different to do that. And a huge area that I see people struggling is with intimacy with their partner, a lot of people feel like they can’t show up and have their dream intimate relationship until they look a certain way. And like I know in my head that that is something that we need to just cancel and get out of our minds. But I don’t even know how to start that conversation with people. So tell me mentally, what’s the first thing you would say to that?
Amanda Testa 2:55
So first of all, I just want to really normalize that. And know if that is you that you’re not alone in that because it is, you know, it can be like you say we’re so conditioned that when everything is this way, then I can enjoy this. Right. And I know in your work to you know, we cannot help especially in our culture be bombarded by what I love. Emmeline Augustine calls the boot Keaney industry complex, right with like what media tells us we’re supposed to look like, which is all a bunch of baloney. I’d like to just say that, but it’s really about how you can feel good on the inside. Right? And so I think when you’re on the journey, first of all just really acknowledging yourself for being on the journey right having that in inspiration and motivation to make use make yourself feel better right to have more energy to feel better in your skin and all these things and when it comes to feeling better when it comes to intimacy you know opening up to your partner being vulnerable being seen naked, you know, what are some things that you can do to feel more comfortable in that area. The number one thing I think is so key is to really just know that the person who loves you and that who you are with loves you and is not thinking the same things in their head that you might be thinking right? You might be thinking oh my gosh, look at this dimples on my butt and he’s or she is probably thinking, oh look at that button. Right. So it’s like number one is realizing that perspective. Everything and it can be really easy to get caught up in how you feel. So it could be something as simple as you know, maybe there’s a beautiful kimono or a beautiful like silk robe or something that makes you feel good that you can wear that’s, you know makes you feel good because it’s not only beautiful to you but like maybe soft to the touch or has some kind of texture that feels good to touch. But also it can maybe give you a little more comfort that you have a little coverage if you like that because it’s again finding the ways that you feel good that you can express yourself and comfort. And so it can start with that if you’re not comfortable being all the way naked. What is a way that does feel good? for you, right. And then also, one of the tips that I think is so key, which I talk about a lot, it’s a fairly simple is to really drop in to the moment by focusing on your five senses, right? Because when you can kind of get out of your head and focus on what’s actually happened, you can maybe shut down that cortical control a little bit the part that’s very judgy and wants to say all of his mean things that you can focus more on. Ah, okay, what am I touching that feels good? Or what? How am I being touched? That feels good, and really, maybe bringing your awareness to that sensation to where you feel it like? What are you noticing that feels good? And can you perhaps breathe into what feels good? And let it expand a little bit? Right? Maybe just noticing what am I touching? Number two? What am I smelling that smells good? Or maybe I want to diffuse some essential oils? Or do something to make my space smell good? So that I can drop in more? Maybe what am I tasting? Or what tastes good? Around me right now? What am I hearing? You know, maybe what are the kinds of things that my partner is saying to me? Or what might I be saying to them? Maybe just the sound of their breath? Or the son of your breath? Like what are the sounds that might be enjoyable in the moment? Right, just taking that time to kind of let every sense? What am I seeing that I enjoy seeing? Right? Maybe it’s just looking at the person who you’re with looking into their eyes, and like really being present, maybe just breathing together for a few minutes, those kinds of things can start to allow your body to come online more and shut down all the negative things that your mind might be saying.
Lauren Chante 6:30
So true. And I’m kind of feeling this like sensation, as you’re talking about, I get this. I call it like this nurtured warm and fuzzy feeling that I get in my neck and my back. I also had it when Dr. Laura Frozen was on for our episode about play as adults. And it kind of just got me thinking about how we don’t really talk to our circle about sex enough. And there’s just something really beautiful about hearing you talk and hear you speak into us that just kind of expose that for me like how simple sometimes improving can be if you just ask for home or talk to somebody about it right? Do you see that a lot in your practice, like people who are kind of coming in isolated,
Amanda Testa 7:08
Something that I always hear is I thought I was the only one, especially when groups of women get together. Right. And I think the beautiful thing too, about sometimes being in groups, even in the community, like you’re just having that opportunity to be seen and witnessed by other women who see the beauty in you, right? Sometimes we need that mirror to reflect back to us that we are indeed perfect as we are. And something that in my own journey, which you know, this is definitely not for everyone. But if it is something that you know, on my healing journey, because I actually suffered from eating disorders for many years and hated my body for many years. So it was a journey to get to the point where I love myself. And now I’m nearing 50. I’m definitely you know, not the same way that I used to be. There’s lots more love, and I feel really delicious and amazing in my body. And I think part of that is just one of the things that I did was I started to diversify the things I look at. Right? So I found a lot of beautiful women of all shapes, sizes, colors, all kinds of different things to see, to make me realize, Oh, my goodness, what I have been feeding myself is not reality. Right? So really expanding the shapes and sizes that I look at. Because that when you can find beauty and all these different sizes, then you realize, wait a minute, that’s me too, right?
Lauren Chante 8:25
Yes, that’s so true. And it’s actually something that I’ve noticed a lot is oftentimes people don’t feel good in their size, because they’re not doing the things that make people feel good. Like they’re not buying themselves clothes that fit their body, they’re not putting on makeup, they’re not getting their nails done. They’re not buying themselves lingerie, because they’re just waiting. They’re like, Well, I’m gonna lose weight, it doesn’t make sense to buy clothes. So is it? Is it really the weight? That’s the issue as much as the fact that you are not giving yourself permission to show up as the like Goddess that you are in that moment, right. So much that Yeah. And I also love like you talk about diversifying what you see in terms of body types. And I’ve actually been talking to my clients about that for years, and I love it. But one thing I noticed that you do is the words that you use are actually really diversified to describe the body like most people are like, Am I sexy? And my skinny? Do I have a six pack? Am I athletic, you’re like delicious or like am I am delicious. Like, and I just love it. I love hearing you talk because it draws my awareness to the fact that we can talk about our bodies. With so many words, I feel like we have a very narrow vocabulary for how we describe ourselves and it doesn’t have to be that way.
Amanda Testa 9:37
So true. And I think too when it comes to feeling good and our skin is just what are the baby steps you can take to offer some love and touch. And I think you know, sometimes that can be an intimidating thought. But, you know, really learning to touch yourself in a loving way. Even it can start out small just like touching your fingertips together and noticing how that feels like how does it feel to touch and how does it feel to me See if touch and you know what, what do you like with that? Right? Do you maybe want a firm touch or a light touch or ticularly touch or like, more of a grasp, like a compression hold on your bone? Like, it depends. And that’s kind of one of the playful things is the more you start to get to know yourself and realize, like, I am worthy of pleasure, every moment, right, I am worthy of tapping into what feels good. Now in this moment, like even just doing that for two seconds, maybe wondering, is there something you can celebrate about being able to feel like the senses that you have, right?
Lauren Chante 10:33
Oh, that’s so beautiful. Okay, I had a question earlier. And I want to cut back to something we were talking about. So you were talking about how our perspective of how our bodies look or not, oftentimes the same as the perspective of our spouses, right? And I know that there’s some listeners who are having trouble accepting that, right? They’re like, Ah, I hear these people talking. And they’re saying, my husband’s looking at my butt and thinking that it looks delicious, but I just have trouble accepting it. Like, what would you say you’re like, you have to do special work with couples or like some sort of like, trust, you guys have to talk about it? How do you break through that?
Amanda Testa 11:08
Yeah. And I think honestly, a lot of it comes with your own personal self work. And I’m sure Lauren, you probably talked about this a lot. But you know, the simple things of which are I just say simple, not easy, simple, yes, of just getting those things where you can just get to whatever point of undress feels good. Maybe it’s fully dressed, maybe it’s all the way in dress, but like really allowing yourself to look at your look in the mirror and find one thing you can appreciate about what you see, maybe it’s like, oh, man, I’ve got beautiful eyes, or my hair is looking fine today. Or it’s like, wow, look at that curve on my hip, or Oh, my goodness, look at that, you know, just really one thing you can notice. And over time, it gets easier. And those little baby steps of like, How can I see beauty in myself? How can I accept and if it’s not love at first, even it can just be like acknowledgement that I am here. I am now I matter. Right? Even if it’s just looking at yourself and saying that, and sometimes it brings up a lot of emotion. And it’s a very challenging thing. But that’s okay, because that’s what you’re you’re uncovering the layers of maybe what has been told to you by our culture, and what you know, what has been bombarded into so many of us as women is like, we are only worthy if we are perfect and pretty and quiet. And all the things that you know, patriarchy is what patriarchy wants us to be. Because that keeps us from our fullness, right? If we’re constantly just striving to be skinny, than we aren’t in the moment, we’re not being our full empowered selves, right? It’s like there’s ways to get healthy and fit and well, for every shape and size in a way that feels good to you. But I think when it comes to accepting what you see, and not thinking, Oh, my partner seizes my cellulite is really feeling good in your own skin. And that is the number one key.
Lauren Chante 12:53
Yeah, that’s so true. Because that intimacy really starts with your energy, doesn’t it? Right, like the act of seduction really starts with your energy. And that’s, we have so much power over that. I think that’s kind of hopeful. Because when you just kind of give in to the feelings of like, I’m not good enough. I don’t like my body, like you’re giving your power away. Right. But when you recognize that you have the ability to shift how you see yourself and shift the energy that you show up with like, that’s hopeful again, that gives you something to look forward to.
Amanda Testa 13:23
Yes. And I think to like you said, you know, when you are hopeful, you know, looking at things that inspire you like, there’s that new show that Lizzo did with all dancing I camera, what is but one of my I know you’re talking
Amanda Testa 13:35
about yeah, there’s some big girls something Yes, yeah. And you
Amanda Testa 13:39
just watch these, the way these people move their bodies and how strong and amazing their bodies are, I think it just helps you appreciate to like, Damn, that person is amazing. And their body looks so good. And look what it can do. And like think thinking that to like, look what my body can do look at the pleasure I can feel. And building on that as as you build your comfort and confidence in it.
Lauren Chante 14:02
Yeah. And I think it’s important to acknowledge to that our partners have changing bodies. You’ve you’ve been I mean, I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and been married for almost 10. Like, we don’t neither of us look the same that we did when we were, you know, I was 19 when we first met and he was 24 attorney like we don’t look the same, you know, so to kind of look at the work on yourself as also an act of love for your partner and knowing that they may be coming in with a lot of the same insecurities. Do you see that? Like, tell me about tell me about what you see with the dudes. I want to hear that.
Amanda Testa 14:38
You know what, Lauren, I am so glad you mentioned that because it is so true. Because not only as we age, there’s different things that happened to us health wise, you know, that maybe a health event that happens, right? And that can change how you have to relate for a season or for a time or sometimes forever, right? So it’s really kind of expanding what your definition of intimate intimacy looks like what your definition of sex looks like. But the more kindness You can bring to yourself, the more kindness you can bring to your partner. Because often what the men feel is yes, their bodies are changing, maybe they are struggling with erectile dysfunction as they age, maybe they are also getting like, more to love in some areas, right they, as we age, we will, gravity is going to do its thing. And so I think part of it is really focusing on the soul connection that you have. Right? Because what I love about that is nothing can change that. Right? When you really view your two, your two beings coming together, it’s not just the physical form, there’s a lot to it, right. And so really honoring that connection that you both have can just help your relationship even have more of a supportive container for one another to really accept all the things that you’ll go through together.
Lauren Chante 15:47
Yeah, that’s so beautiful. That’s so so beautiful. Because it’s like those wedding vows, you know, in sickness and in health forever and ever. Like that’s, that’s kind of a big deal. It’s kind of a big deal with especially when you consider aging and intimacy and health and all the issues. So I’m so glad that you’re sharing that. What’s the next thing you think people should know? Like? Where should we take the conversation next? What’s important?
Amanda Testa 16:10
Well, I think number one, you know, learning to create that relationship with yourself is key. And then two, I love just to start really keeping track of what brings you pleasure and a general sense to and a broad sense, and kind of really take time every day to reflect what brought me pleasure today, like what was it something I loved smelling what was something I love touching what was something that made me feel good in my body, you know, even just focusing on those little things, kind of helps rewire our brain to default more to pleasure. And so those types of things can be huge. And even if it’s like, if you’re trying to improve your confidence in intimacy is noticing, you know, maybe I had an experience today. And there was this part that felt really good. And maybe today I was able to have the lights on. And maybe today I just was like, You know what, I’m just gonna let it all hang out and have some fun, right? Whatever it is, but really celebrating yourself at the end of the day for what you did. And what pleasure you did enjoy. And then it makes it easier to feel more of that each day. Yes. Right. And that does translate into the bedroom for sure.
Lauren Chante 17:16
So good. So good. And I’m kind of thinking like, as you’re talking about this, that sometimes it’s not always about the body. And it’s not always about what’s happening in the bedroom. But it’s about the rest of the life to like, do you have to work with people on what’s happening on and all the other shares? Tell me about how like the real world leeches its way into impacting our intimacy?
Amanda Testa 17:37
Yes, very much. Because I do feel like it’s a holistic thing, right? We, we can’t just isolate something. And you know, everything, we kind of have to work on everything in a way simultaneously, because one thing affects the other thing, right? While we may be putting more focus on one area of our lives, of course, the other areas are going to benefit as well. Right? So maybe it’s your health, and the more you focus on your health, the more you’re going to feel good in your skin, the more you’re gonna have more energy, and then that kind of leeches out into the other parts of your life. Right, then your relationship usually gets better, perhaps you’re inspiring your partner to take better care of themselves selves, your kids are seeing you take good care of yourself, you know, maybe they see that you have more energy to play and do fun things. Maybe they you know, then you’re inspiring them. And then maybe you’re inspiring your friends, right? And the more that you are on that train, then probably you’re going to that’s going to flow into your career as well. Because when you’re feeling good, and you have more energy and you’re enjoying more things, then you are just more motivated. Yeah, so everything kind of benefits, right? Everything. I’d like to say it’s all of those things are, rely on one another. And also alternatively, right? Say things are really bad in your relationship. And you’re challenged. You know, you wake up, and maybe you get in an argument with your spouse, and then you’re really mad, and then you maybe take it out on your kids because they’re late to school, and then maybe then you sit in the car and you cry after a drop off. And then you beat yourself up. Got doughnuts, and like it’s the right there’s like they’re all connected.
Lauren Chante 18:59
So let’s flip the conversation on this topic of sex at any size. What if there’s a lady out there listening? who’s having trouble being attracted to her husband or her spouse in this season? Maybe she’s not feeling this about herself. But she is having difficulty feeling attracted to her husband, what would you say to her?
Amanda Testa 19:17
Yeah, and one of the things I love about sexuality and like anything, really, it’s a learned skill. So what can be really fun is when you’re in these seasons of I like to call it a winter, where you’re disconnected or where you’re really turned off by your partner or you’re just like, Do not touch me with a 10 foot pole is number one, like I say focusing on the relationship with yourself. So you have more openness. And then number two is just trying new things, right in a way that feels good. So maybe if you’re feeling really disconnected and you’re not ready for sex, per se, the traditional definition we have of it is what are some other ways that you could spend time together and be intimate, that don’t necessarily involve that right. Maybe it’s you take take turns you know, just offering each other some time have massage or maybe it’s that you know, your partner loves to go play golf or whatever, and you go and make a date night and go to top golf. Or maybe, you know, it’s something where you can have fun together again, and remember you like each other. Because often in the day to day, you know, chopping wood, hauling water parenting, it can be really easy to be like, Oh, resentment, all the things that happen. So it’s got it’s like, how can you unwind a little bit and remember something fun that you do like to do together and do that? So you can be with each other as person to person? Not parent? Not Mom, Dad? Not whatever it is, right?
Lauren Chante 20:32
Yeah, that’s so good. And I have a question. I feel like it might be a trick question. Like, the answer might be yes and no. So you tell me, if you’re gonna thrive in your intimate relationship with your partner? Do you need to also be prioritizing date nights, vacations away together? Like all that stuff? Like, is that something that you have to do? And what I’m thinking is, you’re probably gonna say yes and no, like, even if you can’t do those things. I’m guessing there’s probably some hope to so tell me like, Tell me about that.
Amanda Testa 21:00
Yeah. And I think often there’s a both and situation, right? I think often we look at things as just like black and white, or this and that. But really, it’s oftentimes both. And, like, you can both be frustrated that you’re not getting the time you need, and try to find little ways to connect throughout your day. Because, yes, it is important to prioritize time together, but I get it, some seasons of life are really hard to do that. Or maybe you just can’t afford to get away. And so it’s like getting creative is how can we find time together? How can we find somebody else to take the kids like maybe a neighbor or a friend or, you know, a co op, whatever it takes to be able to spend some time together. Because it does make such a difference when you’re able to reconnect without all the things and I do advise getting out of the house when you can, because everyone knows, when you’re in the house and you look around, there’s a million things to do. And it can be really easy to let the relationship fall to the wayside. So by prioritizing it by you know, even if it’s taking a walk, if it’s on taking your picnics, like going out, going out as a family to do something fun, but just some some ways to get together and do fun things. Because that to reconnects you in a way that makes you more open to intimacy.
Lauren Chante 22:11
I love that. Amanda, thank you so much for your time, please tell my listeners where they can find you.
Amanda Testa 22:16
Yes, thank you so much again, Lauren, for having me. So you can find me at my website. It’s Amanda testa.com. I also have a podcast as Lauren mentioned, it’s called Find your feminine fire, where we talk a lot about sex and relationships and a lot of these issues and how to deal with them. And so that’s the best place to find me. I also have a get in the mood meditation, which might be a fun thing. Because especially if you are feeling like it’s hard to feel sexy in your body, this can be a great way to just kind of drop in and get in the mood. And it’s Amanda testa.com/get in the mood. So you can get that little meditation and see if that can help you feel more, more sexy in your skin.
Lauren Chante 22:53
Oh, that’s amazing. What a great gift. I can’t wait to listen to that myself. And I’ll make sure that all this stuff is linked in the show notes that you guys know where to find Amanda, thank you so much Amanda Testa for coming on and have a great day
Lauren Chante 23:11
Have you joined to the Rockstar wellness podcast official Facebook group? If not what are you waiting for? It is the best place to continue conversation about these episodes and get to know your fellow listeners. If you’d like to do that the link is in the show notes for this episode. I can’t wait to see you there.