Marriage is hard! We all know this and sometimes it’s not easy to see eye to eye on everything but there are ways to improve your marriage from one side. We dive into this topic in today’s episode where I talk to Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh. Lindsay is a psychologist and a military marriage coach. She’s passionate about helping military spouses have the marriage they truly desire and feel good in every day. But the message that she has for us today is relevant even to those people who are outside of the military community. I think most people, when they think of therapy or coaching for their marriage, think it has to involve both spouses actively taking part but Lindsay shows us a different approach. Lindsay’s tools and insights for improving your marriage from one side are definatley going to rock your world!
Disclaimer: This podcast does not constitute medical advice. You should always speak to your doctor before changing your nutrition or exercise habits.
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Improving Your Marriage from One Side, with Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh – EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
Lauren Chante 0:10
Are you getting a woman who strives to feel good in her body, but something just seems to be missing from your wellness journey? Have you been searching, learning and trying but you’re having a hard time getting started? Or maybe you just don’t seem to be getting the results you’re looking for? I have been in your shoes and I want you to know it’s not you. Join me, Lauren Chante, as we dive into understanding wellness in a new way. So you can free yourself from wellness overwhelm and toxic mindsets, put new tools in your toolbox and redefine wellness for you and your family. So you can free up your time and mental energy for the things that really matter. Permanently! Welcome to the Rock your Wellness Podcast.
Hey rockstars! Welcome back to the show. Today, I have a very special topic. We’re talking about improving your marriage from one side and I have a very special guest. Her name is Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh. She’s a psychologist and a military marriage coach. She’s passionate about helping military spouses have the marriage they truly desire and feel good in every day. But the message that she has for us today, I realized, is so relevant even to people who are outside of the military community and I just really was called to bring it to you guys.
As you guys know, or maybe you don’t know but as most of you probably know from following me for a while, I’m an active duty Marine Corps spouse. My husband and I have been together since before he was a Marine. We’ve been through three combat deployments together, births of three children, four cross country moves, at least 11 different addresses and you know, tons of crazy stories. So that’s how I first found Lindsay and there’s something, well first of all let me say hello to Lindsey.
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 1:55
Hi, there. I am so so so excited to be here.
Lauren Chante 2:00
Yeah, why don’t you share your story as a military spouse too?
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 2:03
Yeah, so I started dating my spouse when he was already active duty. I was finishing my PhD and so here I was, like, getting ready to start my career path and then I fell in love with this guy who if I wanted to be with him, I had to move where he was and whenever he moved. So I have, I think, Gosh, we’ve done eight moves. All of them have been overseas. For some reason we can never just get stationed in the United States. We are in the middle of our fourth deployment. I have a four year old a four month old and we, yeah, it’s just a lot. As of right now. I’m getting ready to move to Japan in a month again by myself with a cat and two kids. And this is just military life.
Lauren Chante 2:57
Godspeed, Lindsey. Godspeed!
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 3:00
I need it, I need it!
Lauren Chante 3:01
I know. I know. Yeah. And so needless to say it I’m sure you guys who are listening understand this military marriages tend to have a really unique type of pressure. And even though you guys aren’t in a military community, I think that sometimes it’s really great to connect with military spouses. So that you can kind of realize like, we’re all really going through this crazy thing together. And sometimes when you look at the extreme example of a military marriage, it can be like, “Maybe what I’m dealing with isn’t quite so crazy!”.
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 3:01
Well, and here’s what I say is that. Nobody is taught to do relationships well. Never, no one! It doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re from. We really should have classes in school on how to have a healthy relationship, how to work through conflict, how to’, right, all the reasons, right? But we don’t and so, here’s the deal, is now we are either using the role models in our life, which not everyone has a great role model for what makes a good relationship or we’re just winging it. And that is, to me, the most terrifying thing when it comes to something as important as your primary relationship in your life.
And so now you add on anything else, any additional life stressor, any work stuff, and this is where the military comes in, but you add anything extra and it’s no wonder that divorce rates are you know, over 50% of people who get married. It’s just, we don’t know how to do it. And so, for me, I’ve picked I think that military spouses have really extra challenges when it comes to this. But really, it’s all marriages. We really need to be teaching this stuff so that everybody can have a healthy and happy marriage.
Lauren Chante 4:48
So true. And there’s a unique challenge in the military community that not everybody knows about that has kind of inspired your work, which is that because of the way that military careers and military medical clearances and mental health clearances are structured, many active duty service members are like terrified to go to marriage therapy with their spouse. They think that somehow it’s going to cause some sort of impact on their career. So there’s a lot of marriages that are really struggling and people really just don’t even feel like you can go and get help. Which is kind of where you stepped in and you’ve created this beautiful method where you are helping people improve their marriages, literally from one spouses side and, as I’ve watched this, by listening to your podcast, Married to Military, and watching on social media, I just find that so beautiful. I know many of my students, when I work with them on wellness stuff, if they feel that their spouse is a barrier to them becoming well, it’s like ‘Well, he just won’t change. He won’t go to therapy. He won’t work with me’. And this is something that I hear a lot and I have never really like, honestly, been able to help those people beyond helping them to work around their spouses. But you step in and you literally provide an opportunity for people to take their power back in their marriage and in their life by working with just the spouse so tell me, tell me whatever comes up for you, right now.
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 4:50
I love it.
So I have worked as a military psychologist for over 14 years and, in that, I was seeing a lot of people who would try to do couples therapy and then the schedules wouldn’t align. They had it hard enough coordinating their own schedules and then coordinating it with me. My schedule was always booked so I was scheduling a month in advance and if you had to reschedule that now you’re waiting two months to get any sort of support.
And then I remember there was one issue that my my spouse and I were having, and I said hey, let’s go talk to somebody. And he said ‘I can’t. It could really impact this next job that I want’. Here I am, right, he knows what I do. He knows how important it is. He may not totally get it but it’s a real thing. And so I know what I was seeing with other couples, I was seeing it with myself and so I started to say this is unacceptable. This is unacceptable that either marriages just have to suffer or, you know, all stars have to align. And so I really started to figure out what is it that works and how can we bring the changes that people want to bring by just using one side? And the beautiful thing is, when it comes to something like a marriage, it really functions as a circle. So you move one part of that circle and the other part eventually has to move to line up. It’s just sort of how it works. And so figuring out exactly what are those things that we can move that will get the other half of the circle to join as well.
It’s funny that you said that because I also, even as a military spouse, my husband was deployed one time and I said you know I’m going to get healthy. I changed my whole diet. And so my spouse came back and was like, what? I don’t want to do any of these things. I don’t want to eat that, Tofu, I don’t want that right? So I know exactly when it comes to these sorts of things too, it’s this kind of stuff that it’s one person who moves the needle and then the other person moves it as well. And then, now, it really becomes how you talk about it to stay on the same page versus now jumping to separate pages.
Lauren Chante 8:18
Yeah, and I know that like there’s a good group of people out there listening right now who are like wow, this is amazing. And then there’s probably a couple of skeptics out there who are like, can we really do this just from one side? So can you talk about the type of results that you see with your students when they take this approach? Maybe specifics or maybe generalizations, anything?
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 8:36
Yeah, so I will say I only work with one half of the relationship. There have been times where people will say, you know, can my spouse jump on? And maybe we’ll have a quick conversation, but I really choose to just work with one. And really what we do is we start to identify what is it that you need, what is it that you want or what is it that needs to change, so to speak, and getting really clear about that because believe it or not, we usually aren’t. We know what we don’t want or we know what doesn’t feel good, but we don’t actually think about what is it? So even thinking about wellness, right? I really want my spouse to be on board but like what exactly do you want that to look like? Do you want them to eat all the same meals that you were making? Do you want them to just cheer you on every single time you do a workout? What is it that you’re actually wanting that will benefit you? And now it’s figuring out how do you bring that to them in a way that they will actually want to give that back to you? And it’s really specific to each individual relationship, right? Because each person is different, each dynamic is different. So really looking at, you know, changes there.
So I’ll just give you an example of a client that I’m working with currently and it really showcases this. So she was feeling really overwhelmed. She felt like she was carrying the load so to speak. She was doing all the house chores. She was doing all the meals. She was taking care of the kids and she just felt like she was carrying a lot. She was feeling really underappreciated. She was feeling really disconnected. And anytime she was going to her spouse it was just like “I’m so busy, like I don’t have anything else to give” or “You’re being really naggy”. So they were just in this continual cycle, that they weren’t getting anywhere and she was getting more and more resentful.
And he was getting frustrated. And so really what we did was we got really clear on what exactly she needed from him. Like really, really specific so if anything, it was acknowledgment she decided she needed. She just needed words that show that you understand like hey, you are doing a lot. Thank you so much for all that you are doing. It really wasn’t very much that she needed. It was these really small things. And then we figured out how do we bring it to him in a way that he won’t get defensive, in a way that he’s going to be really open to it. And so with her it was really coming at it from a place of like, help me help you sort of thing and he really gravitated to that. And now there is not a lot of change in their everyday dynamic, but she is feeling so much more appreciated. Because he is recognizing that he has that power. He’s even started to do more like helping with the chores and even things that she didn’t necessarily ask for more like spontaneous gifts, things like that. So I think that it really, a lot of times, comes down to and this is why I like working with just one because now we’re focusing on your specific needs, what is it that you want, that you need? And then how do we get that and usually that is what benefits the relationship as a whole because when you’re happy, the marriage is happier and then you end up getting a lot more than you even thought you were getting. Does that answer your question?
Lauren Chante 12:01
Yeah, that’s so good. And what really jumped out at me there is like it’s not just about figuring out what you want. It’s about figuring out how to bring it to your spouse. And that’s where I think a lot of people really struggle and need assistance because there’s an art to that. When things are already a challenge and I think that, when I see women on the wellness side, who are struggling with getting their husband’s support, they kind of just want them to respond well naturally, for the heck of it. It’s like if they if they have to package it just right, or if they have to ask even sometimes, like if I have to ask for what I need it kind of ruins it that he doesn’t just know.
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 12:37
I hear that a lot. Yes.
Lauren Chante 12:39
Why are we like that?
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 12:41
It’s so funny because I remember somebody said but then it’s not special. And here’s the deal, you can be super specific and you can say I want you to send me flowers every Wednesday. But then you have to really decide, do you really want flowers? Like when you get those flowers, are they going to feel good? Or are you going to think you’re only doing it because I told you to do it? And so instead, what I think about is, what are you wanting the flowers for, like maybe it genuinely is flowers. But maybe it’s just I want some sort of sign that you’re thinking about me and that you appreciate me. And that is where maybe we need to be a little bit more flexible. Because if we genuinely want that spontaneity, we need to give them the parameters but we need to let them do it in their way, if that makes sense. And then we get that oh, he was thinking of me. It’s not just because but we also just can’t assume that they’re going to know. We have to give them some sort of instruction so to speak. And it really is the difference between do you want it or not?
Lauren Chante 13:48
Yeah, it’s so true. And if they if they knew they would already be doing it. Like that’s really, my belief is like, if they’re not doing it, they’re doing the best they can, they just don’t know. So it’s yeah, I think it’s so important for women to hear this message because sometimes it’s like, you know, you know that your spouse is doing the best that they can but you also know that what’s happening is not good enough for you and it’s just like this horrible feeling and you don’t know what to do about it because you feel like you’re like kind of like squashing somebody who’s doing the best that they can.
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 14:19
Well and it kind of starts to feel helpless because I’m like, I know that they’re doing the best they can and I’m not happy. That is not enough for me. And now that can get where we start doing this, “Is this the right person for me? Am I in the right relationship?” and all of that can get so unhealthy so quickly. So really just figuring out like, how do I instead just switch this dynamic and bring more in of what I want.
Lauren Chante 14:42
Hey rockstar, hold on the podcast we’ll be right back. Are you ready to spend 90 days of life placing an intensive focus on your wellness so that you can show up as your biggest baddest Rockstar self in real life? Because if so, I want you to schedule a time to talk to me about the lWellness Reborn 90 Day Intensive. This is an opportunity for action takers who are really ready to work with chaos proof, customizable wellness strategies that are going to make it absolutely simple for you to get the physical results that you’re looking for. Whether it’s more energy, feeling good in your skin, weight loss, whatever it might be. You have to do this guys. My program is proven with hundreds of women. It’s so incredible and life changing and one of my favorite things about it is it gives you back your peace and your presence with your family, with your purpose and with your passion. So head over to LaurenChante.com/ExploreWellnessReborn and schedule a time to chat with me. These are really casual ,you don’t even have to wear a bra! No pressure, no crazy sales tactics. I just want to talk to you. Learn about you and let you know how this can help you change your life.
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 16:01
I remember one time we had just moved again. I didn’t have a lot of friends. And I just said I’m just feeling really lonely and I’m feeling really sad and I’m feeling not very supported by you. And I know I mean I probably packaged that much better. But basically my husband was shocked, like, he had no idea. And he’s like I you know I’ve been getting the house set up and he was he was doing what he thought were all of these things that supported me. It just wasn’t the ways that I needed supported at that time. And once he knew that, you know, it’s like he was doing everything he thought he could do but once he knew what I needed now he could do that and then really it got easier on him. Because he’s like, I know that this is making her feel better. I know that this is making her happy. And, you know, I think that we forget that, this person really cares about you and loves you and if you’re not feeling it, it might be just because there’s miscommunication there.
Lauren Chante 17:03
Yeah, and I think there’s something to be said for waiting too long to ask for help too. Because when you let things get too far, you really do start to think that your spouse maybe doesn’t care about you and maybe that’s the reason they’re not supporting you in your wellness goal or that’s the reason they’re not giving you the words of affirmation. So it’s something I talk about a lot on my podcast is like trying to be proactive about getting help for things because it’s so much easier to make things better before you hit rock bottom. Right?
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 17:28
Absolutely. I mean, I think that that’s a stigma with marriage is that you don’t get help until things are real real bad but it’s just like anything you know. Like, you clean your teeth. You get oil changes in your car and that just keeps everything running and working longer and it should be the same with marriage too. But I really also like what you say about, you know, really setting that up early because think about especially in the wellness journey. If all of a sudden, you know, I come in and I’m you know, everything is different like to them. They’re just like, Wait, like, I’m so far behind. I don’t know, like, does that mean that you’re not going to care about me anymore? There’s that, right, and they may not say any of this stuff out loud but like, sometimes that’s what it is, is it feels like you’re on a train without them. When really if you were to invite them on the train with you, maybe they’re not sitting in the exact same car or the exact same row, but at least they’re on that train with you. It’s easier for them to stay caught up so to speak.
Lauren Chante 18:27
Oh, I like that. I like that a lot because a lot of women will say to me, “Well, he won’t eat the vegetables that I cook. He doesn’t want to eat my meals” and it’s like it’s so much of us telling them “Like it or not this is what we’re doing”. But when you invite them on it’s like you have options for getting on this train. You have options, tell me where you can get on and I can see that working a lot better. That’s a great tip.
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 18:49
Right, it’s like “Here’s what I’m going to cook ,this is part of my meal plan, you don’t like the vegetables? Can you add something to them?”. Here’s where where can we work together here. I’m not going to make you a separate meal. But are there things that, until you want to eat my vegetables right, what’s that middle ground and then it’s more baby step for them because again, you have to think about it as our subconscious, you know it’s saying like I’m not enough. What we’ve been doing is not enough, right? Like if we start to just get really threatened and then that’s where we can just really separate because we’re not even trying.
Lauren Chante 19:32
Yeah okay, so that made me think, like you said something that gave me the Austin Powers fingers because you were talking about like, you know, the wife feeling like I’m not going to make a whole separate meal for you. So when it comes to marriage and what boundaries are fair because I do know a lot of women who are making a whole second meal either for their spouse or for their children, and they’re resenting the heck out of it, but they feel like there’s some sort of an unwritten marital law that if they don’t serve their husband in that way that they’re not a good wife. So what would you say to that?
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 20:03
Yeah, so I would say we really got to dig in and look at what that is. So what is it? Are they really not liking the food? Are they really just not wanting to be parof it? You know, like, what is it that’s getting in the way for them? Like when I look at kids, do kids just not like to eat what that is and can I add something? But I also want to introduce them to those foods too. So I think that there’s some balance between, like for me, I’m never going to make a separate meal but maybe I will make a separate starch that I choose to opt out of or maybe they’ll add some cheese, right? Like there is always going to be little bits and then the other thing I will say with that is I also like to say you know how can we make this work you know, at least initially? I’ll do a meal that I know you really like and then I’ll do a meal that I really like or like what is the compromise here? Initially and maybe you might need to go to some baby steps which I think can be frustrating when you’re ready to dive feet first into this new lifestyle. But I think that there are usually some really easy substitutes or things where it’s not you making an entire separate meal and like I’ll add soy sauce, my daughter loves soy sauce. She’s like one of those weird four year olds but like I’ll add soy sauce to her food. Like I’ll add just like extra stuff and you know and then I’ll start to see, healthy wise, did you like this meal? Yes. Okay, we’ll do this one again. Did you not like this meal? No. What did you not like it? Right. So now I’m also getting feedback because if we don’t try, they don’t know what they like and what they don’t like.
Lauren Chante 21:43
Yeah, and what I’m hearing and what’s coming up for me here is like working on your marriage from one side is not just putting up with things you resent A lot of women get confused about that. I think they’re like well, if I’m going to be the one who’s like carrying the load of this marriage then that means I just need to be as compromising and as accommodating and just do what I’m being asked to do. And I think that could be where the resentment comes out. What you’re talking about is a much more involved and much more proactive, and it’s more about empowering the spouse to ask the right questions and have the right conversations. Does that sound right?
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 22:22
Yes, yes, absolutely. I would say that so many times people come to me and they say I don’t want to be the one doing all the work. Like I really need my spouse to put in effort for this too. And so that ends up being one of the biggest barriers to say I don’t want to reach out and do like this one sided thing because I feel like I’m already doing a lot of work and then that resentment can build. But ultimately, it’s not you doing all the work. It’s how can you find a way to get the results that you want in a way that works best for you and your marriage. And once you start to do that it ends up modeling and now you kind of have figured out a system between you to really solve any issue moving forward. I say my biggest thing is I work myself out of a job because once you have these parameters in place, it doesn’t matter what stressor comes up, you at least have the bones you have the foundation from which to deal with every single problem and the reason why you can’t just put a cookie cutter thing out like this is because everyone is different and how people see the world is different and our love languages are different and our histories are different. And so really, that’s why it’s figuring out and to be honest, I find that it’s easier to do that with one person. Because if I’m seeing both people now I have both people’s needs in the room at the same time. And it’s sort of easier to figure this out with just one person. And then once you figure out with them now, usually the spouse starts doing the same things as well and so it really is where it simplifies it all down and both people end up benefiting. So it’s not one person doing all the work, both people will be working. It’s just one person is initiating it in a different way than what the typical or status quo cycle has been.
Lauren Chante 24:18
I love that Lindsay. That’s so good. The work that you’re doing is so important. And I know that like there’s a lot of ladies that were feeling really frustrated that probably saw the title of this episode and we’re like I’m tuning in because I need that and they’re feeling really helpful, hopeful right now. So where where can people find you online?
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 24:36
Yeah, so they can find me on Instagram at MarriedtoMilitary. My website is www.LindsayCavanagh.com. I’m assuming this will be in the show notes because everyone misspells all parts of my name. But yeah, I love to, I have a lot of military spouses, but I really love chatting with everybody. I’ve worked as a psychologist for a long time with military and outside of military. And I love talking about marriages. And so I’m really happy to just talk with everone and anyone who wants to chat.
Lauren Chante 25:10
Yeah, and I think you had a gift for everybody too. Do you want to tell them about your marriage breakthrough call?
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 25:16
Yes. So I have a free 30 minute marriage breakthrough call and what this does is just gives you sort of an idea of what it looks like with just you. With just you, you know, getting on and doing the work. So we talk a lot about what’s going on what you would need and what those exact next steps would be. What I find with marriage is usually it’s really really small tweaks that bring really big, long lasting results. And so that’s what this call would be is to just really give you an idea of what that next step or things that you could try to get what you need from your marriage
Lauren Chante 25:54
Yes and, correct me if I’m wrong, but since this is coaching and not like therapy, you can work with anyone in any state like all over the world, right?
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 26:02
Yes. So that was one thing. I was so frustrated as a psychologist that I had all of these rules and all of these limitations and so I broke out into coaching and because of that I get to work with anyone I get to work from anywhere. We are only on zoom so you don’t have to go anywhere. You could be in your pajamas, you can have your kids in the background. It doesn’t matter and you still get the support that you need.
Lauren Chante 26:04
That’s so good. Lindsey, thank you so much for being on the show. And yes, you guys are right everything will be in the show notes. You can check out Lindsay on her website and on Instagram and go schedule that marriage breakthrough call. I can’t really think of anybody who doesn’t need that. So I hope that your calendar is like exploding from people listening to this. Thank you, Lindsey.
Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh 26:06
Thank you so much for having me. I love being here.